How to be a Better Co Parent Part 1| Forgiveness: Cancel the Debt

Throughout the course of my legal career as a family law attorney, the main issue that I see plaguing families is unforgiveness. The root word forgive means to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake OR to cancel a debt. I want to focus in on this second definition because I believe we get more from this definition than the first. 

Many of us reading this post should be familiar with debts, right? Some of us have debts due to obtaining an education, others have debts due to buying that new TV or Bedroom set before our finances were in order to do so. (LOL). Now, Imagine, if the creditor in which you owed  stated  “Hey, (insert your name here) I know you owe me $100,000 for obtaining an education but not anymore, as of today you owe me $0.” Wouldn’t receiving news like that make you leap for joy? Wouldn’t it open up new doors and opportunities for you and your family that was impossible due to you owing such a large debt? The answer is (or should be) Yes! Instead of having to pay the creditor $500 or $600 per month, you could use that money to invest in the market, save for your children’s college, or save to take your family on a nice vacation.

If we continue breaking down what unforgiveness means, we know that the prefix un means to not and makes the root word the opposite of what it means. So, if forgive means to cancel the debt, Un forgive means to not cancel the debt. Many parents find themselves in court and going through constant emotional roller coasters because they refuse to cancel the debt of the other parent. They want that other parent to pay in full, with interest, for everything that they did to them in the past. 

Just like paying off a debt can take years or decades to pay off and sets someone back financially, making a child’s father or mother pay off a debt, sets them back emotionally with the child. And, sometimes by the time the debt is paid off-parent stops making the other parent pay for past mistakes, the emotional damage is too much to repair between the parent and the child. 

Listen, I know that no parent actually wants their child to hate or be estranged from their other parent, unless the child having a relationship with that parent would endanger them, but unfortunately intentions don’t matter because the results are the same. Divorce or a separation causes tremendous stress upon a child. 

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, here are a few facts that help us understand the impact of parental separation or divorce on children:

• Children feel frightened and confused after their parents divorce or separate because of the threat to their security.

• Children experience high levels of stress after their parents divorce or separate because they often believe that they have caused the conflict that caused their parents to separate and they feel responsible for bringing them back together. 

• Children experience high levels of stress due to their parents confiding in them for comfort after a separation or divorce has taken place.

• Long custody disputes or pressure on children to choose sides can be quite harmful to children and can add to the damage of the divorce or separation. 

The effect of separation or divorce on children is the reason why I want to strongly urge parents to cancel the debt. Not necessarily because the other parent deserves it, but because the child in the middle does. Every child deserves to have the love of both parents, and they need the love of both parents in order to not feel the brunt of the separation or divorce. They also need to understand that although their parents aren’t together, their parents still love and respect one another and will do their best to raise them TOGETHER as co-parents. 

I am sure someone reading this post may say "I’ve cancelled the debt but the other parent is still refusing to allow me to have a happy relationship with my child!" I will address this issue in a later post, but for now, if there are any debts that you are still collecting from your child’s other parent, CANCEL IT! 

-Attorney LEE