How to be a Better Co Parent Part 3| Flexibility: What Every Co-Parent Needs!

In my previous blog posts for my Co-Parenting series, I discussed the importance of forgiveness  as the foundation of any healthy co-parenting relationship. Then, I discussed the importance of co-parents being able to properly communicate with one another. Today, I want to discuss another important factor in a healthy co-parent relationship: Flexibility.

When the word flexible is used to describe a person it means that the person is ready and able to change so as to adapt to different circumstances. Too many times I have seen parents waste money paying their attorneys $300+ per hour to argue over the smallest of issues that could have been resolved between themselves if they chose flexibility instead of fighting. If you are a parent that struggles with flexibility or that has struggled with it in the past, keep reading because I am going to give you some tools that will have you not only willing to be flexible but READY to choose to be flexible when things don’t go according to plan. 

Remember that you have to treat others how you want to be treated.

This was a simple principle that I was taught growing up in church, but even if you are not a person of faith, you can still understand and abide by this principle. In life, we have our plans. We have our rules. In court, we have our orders. But, what happens when an extenuating circumstance occurs that prevents our plans from going forth? What happens when life changes and the court order that you once could follow “to a tee” is no longer possible? Ask yourself these questions and  reflect on how you would want someone to respond to your life changes. Would you want to be threatened or harassed because a plan fell through for a reason beyond your control? Would you want to be dragged into court by your child’s other parent because your work schedule has changed and you can no longer pick your child up at a certain location or at a certain time? 

If your answer to the above questions are no, what do you think the answer of your child’s other parent would be in the same situation? Now, I can already hear some push back on this. “But, Attorney Lee my child’s father or mother had the opportunity to be flexible when xyz happened to me but they chose not to! They didn’t do it! So why do I have to?” My response to this is simple: The principle says treat others how YOU would WANT to be treated. Not treat others how they treat you! The importance of the principle is to help people avoid the vicious tit-for-tac cycle that tends to destroy relationships by encouraging people to treat others with the same love and respect they would want to receive. I understand that doing the right thing is sometimes easier said than done, but I also know that doing the right thing will lead to the right results. The results may not be immediate but nevertheless, they will come and they will be beneficial to you and your children. 

Change must be embraced not just tolerated. 

When something is embraced, it is welcomed with enthusiasm. When something is tolerated, it is accepted with reluctance. In order to truly be flexible, you must not just accept change but be ready for and welcome it. For example, if your child’s mother or father used to be able to take your child to football practice on Thursdays but can’t anymore because they began to take evening classes on Thursdays, you should applaud your child’s other parent for pursuing an education and work with them to figure out a new plan that ensures that you child can still participate in their desired activity. 

Unfortunately, Instead of this response, I usually see parents get angry when something like this happens and then they begin to disparage the other parent to the child as the reason the child can’t participate in the activity anymore or they consistently complain to the child how the new change is interfering with their schedule. This type of behavior is toxic and  leads to the child feeling like a burden (believes they are the cause of their parent being upset, not the change), confused (doesn't understand why the schedule change has caused parents to be angry with one another), and neglected (their happiness and support in their chosen activity is no longer a priority or celebrated, complaining is). However, when a child sees their parents working together to do what it takes to ensure that their needs are met, they feel supported and loved. 

Tolerating change may be what you want but embracing change is what your child needs!

Court Orders in Family Law are a guide, not a rule. 

If there any point I want you, the reader, to take away from this blog post, it is this one. Family law is a unique type of law in that it is not as formal as other types of law. The court is not only lenient in the hearing process, but also lenient when it comes to the orders they set in place. Why? Because they realize that circumstances change! The court realizes that the child support ordered today may not be able to be paid in the future if a parent loses their job. The court realizes that a possession order may have to change if a parent’s work schedule changes or they move to a different city. In fact, this is why explicit language is put into family law court orders that the orders can change by AGREEMENT in writing of the parties OR by order of the court. 

The orders put in place by a family court judge are to give parents a guide that will help them make decisions for and provide for their children on a consistent basis. Orders are never put into place to prohibit parents from making decisions that they believe are best for themselves or their children. Now ask yourself, if the family law court is flexible and allows flexibility, why shouldn’t you do the same?

As I conclude, I want to clearly state that flexibility is a choice. You CHOOSE to work with your child’s other parent when circumstances arise. You CHOOSE to be understanding when plans change. You CHOOSE to not allow the court to be a barrier between you and your child’s other parent making plans for the betterment of your child. 

So what will you choose today?